Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Taking a Leap of Faith back to the girl I used to be.

My ideas for this little blog may change on a day to day, hour to hour basis but the one thing that has remained constant is that I wanted to include more personal post's. Slightly like journal entries but not so personal I feel that I have nothing for myself and honestly, more than a little rambling so if your willing to read through them then bless you and I hope they help you as they have helped me.

I've written a few up so far and honestly the whole process has been more cathartic than I ever thought it could be so whether this post is read by many or none, I'm glad it's out there. So, I may or may not have been banging on about the fact I'm moving to Paris in a week's time but as my departure date becomes closer and closer I'm starting to look at so many aspects of my life and realise just how much has changed this year. Not just in my outer life but with who I am as a person and it could not be more welcome.

Although I'm technically moving from a part time job into full time employment, I'm also now classed as self employed which means of course has it's own set of things to stress about of course I've already started worrying about what I will do once I get back...yes really. However the differences in how I react to things has started to become apparent as instead of worrying and getting myself into an anxious state as has happened in the oh so recent past, I feel strangely ( for me) excited for all the opportunities to start and I want all of my plans to happen sooner rather than later. The part of my brain that normally tells me bad things will happen has suddenly started to change. Now it's saying that it will all work out, what's meant to be will be and all I can do is work my hardest and stay focused, not get distracted by anything or anyone and that will keep me on the path to my goals. Clearly this new me like's a good cliché but hey if it's positive, I'll take it over anxiety any day.

Maybe this new level of self belief is a little tiny bit delusional but I'm starting to realise that the other cliché of having to believe in yourself before others will is actually true. The last three years have been a struggle and since leaving a situation that was unhealthy for a number of reasons, for the past few months I've finally started to feel the old, real me returning, the little girl who happily went about life without a care in the world and I'm welcoming her with open arms. Strangely enough It doesn't feel like I'm going backwards at all, it just feels like the past decade has been a roadblock and I've finally got round it the same person I was back then only older, wiser and with a lot better dress sense. Sometimes I feel like I've had an epiphany without realising and suddenly I'm stronger, more assertive and less likely to worry about whether other's are judging me even as the million and one coffee cards spill out of my purse or I realise I still have the sale tag on my beautiful new blouse halfway through the day.

Well I'm not completely there, those thought's do creep in but I no longer dwell on them, once the kind of thing that kept me awake at night are now fleeting thought's that my mind dismisses before they take hold but It's nice to now think that I can just be myself and if someone doesn't like it then it's an issue for them, not me. Never again will I change myself for anybody or let the opinions of someone else dictate what I do with my life or how I hold myself and I can't begin to describe how good simply knowing that I've made that decision feels. I've started to plan what I would like to achieve over the next few years and I honestly feel like no matter what set backs I face, I can achieve it because I will bounce back from every rejection and keep navigating my way past the obstacles with my head high. I no longer see the women I hold in esteem as role models that I could never hope to emulate, I see them as people I could one day find myself working with and learning from as I hold my own in their atmosphere. I'm also no longer as afraid to fail, the fears are still there but so is the solid knowledge that if I do, it's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find my way back to the path, I've done it before and I know i'll have to do it more times than I can imagine in my lifetime. but now I know that I will do it.

I've spent a lot of time trying to fit myself into what I see as the ideal from other people's point of view, under eating and over exercising, wearing more makeup than I was comfortable with, tanning my skin three times a week, with that even being the deciding factor in the way I dressed or prepared for certain things. All I ever felt was uncomfortable and I found myself wishing that I could strip it all back and start over again, But no more, I'm slowly starting to find how I want to look, to feel and to be and it's exhilarating and even though I may not be every bodies cup of tea, I am mine and it's time that I started to own it and start loving me for me and let's be honest, we all know when I say tea, I really mean coffee. 

I don't care how mushy this is, I really hope all of you feel the same and know just how beautiful, inside and out you are and remember never let anybody dull your sparkle.

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